Dear Professor Death

Dear Professor Death,

How long would it take to smother an elderly woman with a pillow? I swear this would be an act of mercy and has nothing to do with the fact that I am my great-aunt’s only heir. Rosie has been bedridden for the last year and complains all the time. She has made broad hints that she would be better off dead. Smothering seems to be the least violent way to grant her wish.

Honestly,

A Dutiful Great-Nephew

Dear Great-Nephew,

Seriously? I will answer your question in case you are a writer, BUT . . .

According to Dr. D.P. Lyle, MD, the length of time it takes to smother someone depends on their fitness level. A younger victim would fight you and push the pillow away, giving them the opportunity to grab a breath, but eventually the oxygen level in their blood would drop until they weakened and lost consciousness and died.

A bedridden elderly woman would not have the strength to fight. Fright at finding a pillow over her face would eat up the oxygen in her blood and death would happen more quickly. The elderly also tend to suffer from heart and/or lung disease, making their tolerance for lack of oxygen even less. Considering all the factors, suffocation with a pillow would take between two and five minutes.

HOWEVER, and I cannot stress this enough, if there are other family members and they have any suspicions about your great-aunt’s sudden death, an autopsy will be performed and you will be found guilty of murder. As a convicted felon cannot benefit from their crime, your inheritance will go to someone else and you will serve a prison sentence. Therefore, I suggest you practice patience and wait for Rosie to pass in her own sweet time.