Professor Death December Letter

Dear Professor Death,

My friend’s stepmother was buried a year ago wearing an art deco emerald and diamond family ring valued at $100,000. My friend wants it back and asked me to help her dig the old bitch up. How bad will it be? I mean, are we talking lots of gross tissue or nice clean bones?

Asking For a Friend

Dear Asking,

It depends.

There are several factors to consider here before you pick up a shovel. Was your friend’s stepmother embalmed? That slows down the decomposition. The type of casket also affects decomposition. Wood will rot and collapse and hasten the process, metal will not. Lastly, where is the body buried? The decaying process will take much less time in the deep south compared to the North Pole. The short answer is that it is unlikely your friend’s stepmother will be reduced to a nice clean skeleton after only one year and more likely that she will be a liquid mush of toxic goo.

That’s only one factor to consider.

What kind of shape are you in? Wielding a shovel to dig a hole eight feet by thirty inches by six feet deep is no picnic even if the soil has been disturbed. That’s approximately one hundred twenty cubic feet of heavy dirt that you will have to handle twice unless you intend to leave the grave open. I’m in pretty good shape, but I’d question my ability to fling shovelfuls of dirt six feet over my head from the bottom of a grave. 

Then there is the legal risk.

Where are you located? In New York you will face up to four years in prison just for disturbing the grave. Additional charges will be brought against you for the theft of the ring. If you are in Texas, stealing items worth more than $1500 is a felony and you will also serve time in jail if caught. On top of that, other members of the family of the deceased can sue you for the value of the ring.

Do you have an extra $100,000 lying around? It might make more sense to give it to your friend and let his stepmother rest in peace.

Prof. Death